“Jesus loves you”

This I know

Every word that is written in the book reminds me so

Every painful word

I can’t read it anymore, it’s hard for me to admit

Did I truly ever love you God

Of was it just infatuation

How dare I try to pay back your fortified ways with feeble prayers

You know where my heart lies

That’s why it’s hard to show my face to you

Why do I truly serve you?

For a reward?

Because I’m afraid of the repercussion?

Do I just not know?

None of these answers are justified

But they are all the questions I ask myself when I search my heart for you

Why am I here, on Sunday

I’m drawn farther from you until I forget that you are there

And I can’t put up the façade anymore

I have to tear this wall down

I have to do it alone

The expression on my face will not reflect the sorrow in my heart

It can’t

I won’t let streams of falsified tears run down my face

I won’t let it

I can’t tell people that you are my father, and that I am you son

I will not disgrace your name like that

I’m lost but I can’t ask you for help

Too many time I have done that

I will make camp here with the tools you have given me

Nameless and afraid

I deserve it

For all the falseness that I gave surrounding your grace

You knew all along but didn’t say anything